I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize