Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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