the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
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