tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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