Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
