First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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