i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
