He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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