Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
