everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
My butt remains clenched, sir.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
