I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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