i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
