and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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