Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
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