I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
