News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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