she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
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