i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
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