My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize