I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
