I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
