last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
high people should be assigned attendants
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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