I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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