I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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