he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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