He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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