Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
