I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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