I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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