Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
