I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Swine flu is the new snow day.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
