they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
