i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
