My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
