when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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