This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Randomize
