I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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