I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
