I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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