My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
