I'm laying in your front yard are you home
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
