the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
