I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
bring money and cleavage
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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