Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
