There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
