the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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