I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Randomize
