i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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