when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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