Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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