Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
