if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
