My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Randomize
