how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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