I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
