dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize