You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
