i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
